When the Cat’s Away, The Mice Will Play

To combine two taboos, someone I spoke to this week was a voyeur and into his step mom. He said he came home early and heard noises and went to see what the noise was, and it was his step mom masturbating.

His father goes away on business a lot and she’s quite a bit younger than his father and apparently quite a horny cougar. He’s in college and it’s all he can do not to go creeping into her bedroom when his dad is away on these business trips, and he said he’s seen her staring at him as well. He got up early the other morning and went downstairs thinking she was fast asleep and he had a raging hardon making a tent in his boxers and she was sitting at the kitchen table when he went down to get himself a coffee and she looked right at it and back up at his eyes and smiled.

He acted all embarrassed and walked back upstairs and furiously jerked off thinking how he wanted her to go over to him and drop to her knees in front of him and suck him off and have him give her a facial right there in the kitchen.

I told him if his dad was away so much and neglecting his wife and she was willing, why not? They could likely keep it a secret, they could help each other out. So why not? Daddy isn’t getting the job done, so why not fuck like animals as soon as he leaves the next time? I think he’s contemplating it and he may make his move the next business trip…

You Know You Want To

A taboo for many guys is anal, as in receiving. Most guys want to give it, but not as many want to get it in return. I’m not talking about guys fucking them, I mean as in a woman using a strap on on them.

A guy just tonight called and said he didn’t have a toy, but he wanted instructions on what to do with his ass. I told him a cucumber might suit his purposes. A cheaper answer than a toy to see if anal was for him. I felt ridiculous telling this man to use a vegetable on himself, but, amazingly, he made himself cum with it without even touching his cock.

He emailed a few times asking for instructions, he went out and got the requested vegetable, then called up, veggie and lube in hand and then with my guidance slowly inserted the cucumber up his ass. I had a guy call once that used a carrot, but somehow a cucumber seemed more appropriate in this case, so perhaps now he will either get an actual dildo or we can graduate up in size to progressively larger cucumbers.

Many men can cum very hard from anal toys without even touching their cock. The prostate can give them explosive orgasms that can be induced by toys, or with fingers. So if your guy is a bit shy, don’t show up sporting a strap on, suggest fingers first and then if that goes well, suggest a small toy for the next step. Your guy may never graduate to a strap on, but can find pleasure with his “man pussy”!

Too Much Of A Good Thing

There can be too much of a good thing. Too big of a cock can be as much of a handicap as too small a one. A man called me this evening with the tale that he was so big he’d been unable to ever fuck a woman. He even sent me a picture. Well I didn’t have the heart to tell him with my suspicious nature that I immediately looked up the pic on reverse pic look up and found it on many porn sites, but his point could be true even if it wasn’t really him.

In reality, he likely had a 3 inch penis and got excited  by girls talking to him about a big dick. Sad really, but I’ve heard it before for sure. One had me laughing heartily when he said his cock was so long he tucked it into the top of his sock. Guess he had 4 inch legs…

There are extremes in nature though, and there are men with cocks the size of a pea and ones the size of a forearm, variations of all descriptions exist. And this character was droning on and on about his cock that was bigger around in girth than a wine bottle. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing and call him out on “his” pic that he sent during the call he wanted me to look at.

Poor souls, their fantasies are all many of them have. How can I burst his bubble and tell him the jig is up? I can’t, it’s not in my own self interest to do so, so I play along and tell him how I sympathize with his tragic plight of being given too much by Mother Nature.

Hegre-Art

Sex Outside

Many men seem to be exhibitionists by nature and love to have sex outdoors. Beaches seem to be the place where it seems most natural to be doing it outdoors. Most getting caught for public nudity and indecency don’t seem to be getting caught in their own backyards, they seem to like the risk of getting caught. Parks, beaches, in cars parked in semi public areas, these are all places of high interest to ones in this hobby. Balconies as well.

Many call from cars and semi public places, I recall years ago being parked next to a car with a guy in it that was jerking off, looking around , yet I was in the next car, barely an arms length away! Yet there he was arm going up and down, parked right next to the door of a grocery store as I waited inside the for my mom to finish shopping, and he continued to go on with his masturbating.

Every summer you read some report online of some couple that was spotted having sex on some balcony in plain view of others, it is so common place. I mean as long as they aren’t going at it on the table in the mall food court, who are they hurting by going at it on a balcony?

Well of course, “What if the children saw?” Well, what if they did, you steer them away and say that’s what grown ups do to play. Get over it! So let’s all go outside and have some semi public fun if that’s your thing. Just make sure you’re not going to get busted by the cops, because that could be embarrassing to be arrested for that. Imagine telling your mom and your boss when they see the write-up in the paper under the “In the courts” section. Could get a wee bit awkward.

Is That A Honeydew Melon In Your Pants?

Just when you think you have heard and read it all, you come across something so odd, you can’t believe your eyes. I came across something called “Scrotal Infusion”. Now what may you ask is scrotal infusion? It’s where a man decides his balls are just a wee bit small and he’d like something bigger to impress the ladies.

And what do you think he does to increase their size? An implant operation? No. Eating more Wheaties to get his manly strength up? No. Well I will tell you what he does, he gets an I.V. bag, and a tube and a needle and injects fluid into his balls. I kid you not. If done properly, in time, over a few days, the fluid of saline solution will become absorbed by the body, so I guess he just needs to plump up his boys before a hot date, really…

Well big shocker here, some geniuses that have tried this have done it improperly and had their balls swollen up very badly and needed to get medical help when their bodies didn’t absorb the fluid. I read of one case where a man had injected 2 litres, that’s 8 cups, 4 cups per ball, of fluid. It’s unbelievable anyone would try such a thing, but do they really think women want a guy with testicles the size of basketballs? Really?

I will never forget an odd caller that spoke lovingly of a man he wanted yet never got and how his testicles were “The size of honeydew melons.” As I tried very hard to suppress laughter as this man waxed poetic on another man’s cock and balls for over 2 hours, I couldn’t believe all that I was hearing. Holding that laughter back on that call was incredibly hard. From the tip of his cock that was, “Like the tip of a jeweled scepter”, to the honeydew melon sized balls, I couldn’t believe my ears for the most part at the bizarre descriptions I was hearing. I swear after 2 hours, I’d loved to have seen a picture of this cock and balls myself, as they were made out to be the most perfect specimens of male genitalia in all of humanity. So you too can have the balls of your dreams only an I.V. bag and a injection away……WTF is next I ask myself…..

This Is Gonna Hurt

Cock and ball torture can be pretty fun stuff. My cruel and devious mind has made more than one caller grimace and flinch as I describe in graphic detail just what I’d do to their manly bits if they were in front of me.

One I spoke to liked to pour very hot water over his cock, not out of the kettle hot, but as hot as it would come out of the tap hot, which can still be near scalding temperature. He said the tip would get so bright red from the hot water that it “Resembled the bud of an exotic flower.” How poetic……

I get right into these calls, I’d slap their dicks with the bottom of rubber soled slippers until they were wailing in pain. Want some burning from the inside out? I can arrange that. Q-Tips dipped in icy hot gel and inserted up the cock can deliver a frightening sensation that will last for days and nights on end.

Makes you wonder what sort of mind wants to inflict pain on their most tender of body parts. I for the life of me don’t get it. I would never want anyone to be torturing my clit, that sounds beyond horrible, yet it’s the same principal. Some just want their balls hurt, others only their cock, some both. Some go so far as to get into actual castration fantasies of actually cutting all their junk off once and for all. Now that’s a bit permanent, and if they did it, they’d never be able to enjoy the sensations of cock and ball torture again. It would be the end of it.

Mom Daughter Threesome

A taboo many guys seem to fantasize about is the mom and daughter threesome. I can’t say how many times I have run into men that want to have a call about this kind of sexual encounter. The other night it was even taken to the next level, a guy wanted a mom and her two daughters. She was going to be giving them cock sucking lessons and showing them just what to do to best please a man.

Threesomes are very common for fantasies, though I always question how few men would be able to actually please two women at once, since most men can’t even seem to totally satisfy one. I guess it’s the old “eyes are bigger than the stomach” dilemma. They THINK they are man enough to please two ladies at once, but very, very few actually could do such a task if called upon…

The forbidden threesome, seems more normal a thought with sisters or twins especially, but the mom daughter combination seems to hold a particular appeal for some. The pervy combination. I have yet to have a call with a guy that asks for a daddy son threesome though, but give it time, in time I hear all sorts of oddities.

The thought of a mom showing her daughter just what to do is very sexy for them, yet so many mother daughter relationships have a sexually competitive undertone when it comes to men, especially if the mom is not married and is available. It would be a very odd threesome indeed. Some men are into cat fights though, so perhaps this would be just the odd combination they might be looking for.

Hegre-Art

Do I Creep You Out?

How many of us have looked up an ex online, or at the very least someone who we were crushing on? *Hand raised*…Thought so. In today’s world, it’s so beyond easy to look people up online, makes you wonder how the stalkers of yesteryear got on now, doesn’t it? Think of the legwork the poor bastards had to go to! And here we can cyber stalk with ease from the comfort of our homes.

Facebook is a stalkers dream, pics by the hundreds, people so narcissistic in their shallow lives they have all their pics on display for the world to see, as the stalkers look at the most intimate and minute details of their lives. I have heard of ex’s checking on a former lovers page every few hours to see if new details for them to obsess over have been added.

A lot of people do get stalked, not just celebrities, everyday people that just happen to have attracted an odd sort.   I had a minor incident myself a few years ago with a man across the street. Every time I went outside to do yard work, he’d appear outside soon afterward to sit in his chair and watch. He came over once and asked me out and I politely declined, but he was always watching, to the point if he came out, I’d go back inside. One day there was a pounding on my door and I thought it was a friend and this nut was at the door declaring his love for me. Except for turning down his invitation the year before, all of around 5 sentences, I’d never said a word to him. I backed into the house and was grateful when he moved away in the next year or so.

It’s creepy to get unwanted attention from someone, and if they know your full name, believe me, they are searching…It’s so easy to find facts out online, and so many have so much on display for the entire world to see about themselves. Some are practically bonafide celebrities they are so well known online. From their pics, to their videos they make on Youtube, their blogs and of course their Facebook pages. Some are so bold as to be on naughty sites with full nude pictures.

One of my favorite songs from the 80′s by The Police, Every Breath You Take, if you listen to the lyrics, it’s totally a stalker song!

Period Sex

A taboo for some women is having sex during their period. Ones used to be sent to caves during their time of the month, even the bible speaks of women not being touched during this time or they and the ones they lay with will be “unclean”. Not all guys are into it either.

It’s up to the people involved obviously. I have talked to many about this topic, some guys don’t care, others don’t want to, same with the ladies, some don’t mind, others do not feel fresh enough to get intimate during this time.

For some it is a fetish, I haven’t had that many calls from guys that were into this, but I have had a few for sure. There is period porn out there for ones really wanting to see the nitty gritty shall we say. I’m convinced no matter the topic, there’s porn out there for it if you look hard enough. One cam girl I know has masturbating during her period videos available, so obviously there’s a market for them, or they wouldn’t have been made in the first place.

You can certainly get horny during your period, there’s no doubt about that. If it’s beyond the having cramps stage where you’re crying curled up in a ball from the pain, I have no problem with playing during that time of the month, but for some cramps can be some painful, sex is the last thing you want any part of, but once that’s passed, I’m good to go….

Hegre-Art

Minute Men

A taboo NO man wants to talk about is a mighty common one at that-premature ejaculation. An embarrassment that many live with. I was horrified to read the average man only lasts 5 1/2 minutes! UNACCEPTABLE! Some of my favorite phone sex calls are small penis humiliation calls, they are so utterly amusing and easy, and guess what they very commonly go hand in hand with? You guessed it, premature ejaculation.

I always assumed most men are in a hurry since they grew up furtively masturbating in bathrooms or their rooms always worrying someone would be questioning what was taking them so long in there, and indeed, I do think a great deal of that is to blame. But going back in time to the cave man, when predators were around every corner and you had to flee at a moments notice, it makes sense that you’d get things over with as fast as possible so you could fight or flee. If you’re in the middle of fucking as a cougar comes walking into your cave, you’re not going to be as fast on the attack as if you weren’t fucking, would you now…

Well the days of evading cougars in caves is long past us and now we can usually relax and enjoy ourselves, but they guys are still barely clocking past 5 min. There are techniques that guys can use to train themselves to last longer. I have told countless callers how to train themselves and get over this. It CAN be overcome, if they are willing to put in the time and the practice to do so. Sex is not a race. I can’t believe how many people I tell that too. You’d think people were banging on their doors and they had to do it as fast as possible. Research online the various techniques to overcome premature ejaculation and you and your partner will thank you!

Thou Shall Not Fall In Love

A taboo for some is having sex with a man of the cloth. A Catholic priest is really the only one here a woman would be falling for, since other forms of Christianity allow their men of the cloth to take wives. Rabbi’s and ministers are allowed to marry, but as priests take a vow of celibacy, it’s not allowed.

There was a very popular book and miniseries in the 1980′s called “The Thorn Birds”, about a priest that fell in love with a woman.  It was quite big in its day, forbidden love and all that. The thought of stealing a man away from God himself holds appeal to some women, that they alone could be the most tempting thing this man had ever known. Men don’t join the priesthood in the numbers they once did, it’s been on the steady decline since the 1960′s, and men have been leaving once they have joined because they cannot take being alone. Love and sex is too much of a draw. They want a family and if they want that, it’s crazy to deny themselves.

Not as many men have the fantasy of nuns it seems. There has only been one client I ever had that had a fantasy about priests and nuns, he was a character for sure. He wanted the nuns getting it on together and the priests and nuns to be getting it on together, his stuff was pretty wild. I’d think only one raised in the church would likely have such fantasies, as why would an atheist bother thinking of such things, they likely wouldn’t. I’m sure some have, but not as many as the ones raised around nuns and priests would, and their fantasies would be a rebelling of sorts.

Show Me The Money!

I’d think many would consider it a taboo to flash their genitals at someone, but many celebrities have been having “exposure accidents”, shall we say. The scene here from “Basic Instinct” seemed to have started the trend 20 years ago. The infamous leg crossing and uncrossing scene was parodied many times over the years.

In recent times, celebs like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have “flashed” the photographers, supposedly by accident, while getting out of cars, wearing short skirts and, opps, no panties. Do you really think those girls forgot they were not wearing any underwear?  Um, I’m guessing not.   More like, “Gee, great photo op and a way to get my name in the news again.” That sounds a bit more realistic to me.

Many have also been showing the nipple, during “nipple slips”, that had falling down dress straps. Is it really to much to ask for someone to remember to put on her underwear? But then they did it on purpose, so that’s the entire point.  Skip the underwear.

It’s kind of sad that one has to resort to flashing their crotch to be the only way to get attention, but that seems to be the mindset of a lot of young celebrities today. Do you think stars, the real stars of say 50 years ago, would have had to resort to such tacky tactics? Not on your life. More like their coveted studio contacts would have been cancelled, due to breaking the “moral clause”.

Hegre-Art

Salty Mouth

Dirty talk for some can be very arousing. Naughty words, swearing, cursing, many names for the same thing. I just had a caller who simply wanted me to repeat the word “fuck” over and over. I’m betting when he grew up, swearing was not tolerated at all and was possibly even punished. I have had other callers that just love me to call them names or say “bad words”. Motherfucker, prick, bastard, cocksucker, fuck, fucker, son of a bitch, all kinds of things.

Many would say they just love to hear a woman say “cunt”. Another loved hearing me say “masturbate or masturbation”. It’s kind of quaint really.  They likely were growing up where such words were more than frowned upon, and now because it was forbidden, it’s the ultimate turn on for so many.

On my “fuck” call, I must have said it dozens of times and he repeated it back.  It seems silly really to be able to please someone with just saying swear words, but it’s certainly easy to please one that asks for something so simple and harmless.

My mom has told me my vocabulary has certainly become more colorful, since I’ve gotten into phone sex! I talk like a longshoreman.  How can I help it when every other word out of my mouth is cock, pussy, cunt, and fuck!?

It’s a challenge, when I’m out in public to keep it in check. Many dislike hearing a woman swear in public, as it makes her appear common, which I tend to agree with, even though I personally find it hard to watch my own mouth. I guess my mouth is best suited to a bedroom with a horny man inside that likes to hear curse words.

Work It Baby!

Horniness can creep up at the most inconvenient times, even at work. I talk to guys calling from work, jerking off under their desk, in their office. One even told me he jerked off in an office full of people under his desk, being discreet and came into his waste paper basket. That takes some courage, or stupidity, maybe a bit of both.

Office shenanigans are nothing new.  Women have been chased around their desks since women started to work in offices. After hours has often meant play time for co workers.  The thought of acting inappropriately at work holds appeal for many. The thought of getting caught adds to the thrill and excitement. The thought of their boss finding out and their job being at stake heightens the entire affair.

Familiarity can make for strange bedfellows, and often ones we would never look at in our real lives.  The constant proximity makes us more comfortable with them and leads us to think of them in ways we ordinarily would not.

Work place rendezvous are not just for co workers either. How many clients have gotten involved with their lawyers and others they have hired?  Work place is often be the only place we meet others. Many people simply go to work and home and that’s pretty much it, so it’s our only contact with other people. Workplace romances are sometimes the only chance we will have.

Some companies have rules against co workers getting involved, but it doesn’t stop it.  It can often make it more appealing, since it’s forbidden and just drives it underground.

I Love You, Mommy

The mother son incest fantasy is very popular. Much more than I ever imagined, when I started doing phone sex. I expected some, sure, but I also expected the equal amount of men desiring fantasy talk about their daughters. Wrong. I think I could easily count on the fingers of two hands the number of men that wanted that daughter fantasy. The ones wanting to talk about mommy, I cannot even count.

I’m not sure why it is so prevalent. Boy, is it ever popular. Mommy is the first woman they ever loved, and so many are not quite able to switch it over to the right kind of love. When I get younger guys on the phone and they realize I’m older than them, they often fall into mommy mode. Some are even into their grandmas, but that has been much less frequent, in my experience.

Many did things as they were sexually maturing that seems to have stayed with them, either secretly watching their mom undress or get out of the shower, to taking her panties and sniffing them after they’d been worn all day, to masturbating with said panties, to even spying on her masturbating or having sex.

Never underestimate the number of guys lusting after their moms.  It’s a large number.  Believe me. I think many will never admit to it, since they know their girlfriends and wives would not understand or want to know about their desires, so they fantasize in secret about it.

Hegre-Art