This page is especially for those who have been involved, or intend to be involved, in an extramarital relationship for a longer period of time. For some, a longer period may be 3 or 4 months, for others it may be 3 or 4 years. That matters not as the point(s) of this article are relevant in whatever the timeframe.
Do you, after all this time, wonder if you and your lover will end up together?
Those of us in loving relationships can't help but speculate about being with our extramarital partners full time. But we all must play the hands we are dealt, and they are not always fair. We all have to face the very real possibility that all that we wish for may not in fact transpire as we want, but that does not preclude living and loving in the only reality we have - the present.
To be truly successful, extramarital relationships cannot take on too much of a future orientation. They exist for and in the present. That is not to say that hope cannot be there, and certainly there are situations where concrete plans can be made for each member to leave unacceptable situations and end up together, but before taking action you must ask your self "Do I really want this?" Be extremely careful here...... once the wheels are in motion, these situations tend to take on the characteristics of a runaway train.
If you can focus on the joy you bring one another in the present, you will be amazed at how the future takes care of itself, in whatever way it should. Forever is just one long trail of "nows" after all.
The feelings you are experiencing are not uncommon - most of us have them, at least sometimes. It might be the stage in your relationship that you are at. It seems that most extramarital relationships go through a honeymoon sort of phase through about the first three to six months, and then reach a crossroads of sorts - a transition phase - where the partners critically start to assess the character of the relationship and decide where (if anywhere) to go from here. If there is too much of an imbalance in expectations, the relationship will be unstable and less likely to survive. Not impossible - but less likely. If expectations are congruent, there can be a level of stability that moves a relationship into its "maturity." Doubts at this point would therefore seem normal. It may simply be a transitional phase. In general, the longer your relationship deepens and stabilizes, the less you will obsess (obsession is a defining element of the early honeymoon phase) and the better you will become at integrating your relationship into the daily fabric of your life.
Certainly, if you are truly unhappy in your marriage, you should consider leaving it - but leave it because it is best for you. Do not leave it in the hope or expectation that your lover, if married, will also do so. Nor should you expect a single OP to be ecstatic that you have suddenly become available full time. The freedom they enjoy as a single person may be too much for them to give up. A full time relationship is a lot different than being single and seeing someone part time.
There are many reasons that marriages - even those that are basically good but less than what we hope for - should continue. Children, societal pressure, finances, desire to avoid hurting a spouse, etc. In the right circumstances, any of these are understandable. And it is so very often true that we are actually motivated more by a desire to avoid hurt and pain (either our own or those we care about) than to gain pleasure. You can be certain that much of this runs through your lover's mind, and yours as well.
It is not an easy road. It does get easier, in some ways, with the passage of time and the stabilizing of the relationship. But there are moments. . . . when that aching for your lover seems almost too much to handle, especially after having been able to share some quality time together then having to be apart without contact immediately following. To be sure, it is very difficult to get back into the head space of your "real life" compartment after just having spent a day or two together with your lover. But it is indeed possible.
If the relationship you and your lover have constructed is important enough to you, you will have the strength to do whatever you have to do. You need to ask yourself a couple of questions.
First - is having this person in your life part-time better than not having them in your life at all? Or is that a source of pain through the longing that you are experiencing?
Second - no matter what happens, do you believe that you will be forever without regret for having had this relationship? Has it benefited the person that you are in a lasting way?
And third - all in the balance once again. Does the joy and fulfillment that you get from this relationship outweigh the pain and hurt?
There are always positive and negative elements in any relationship. An extramarital relationship - any relationship - needs to weigh in on the side of the joy, or perhaps it should not exist. An extramarital relationship should not be "endured." It must be fulfilling, exciting, and joyful in and of itself - whether or not there is a future attached to it, whether or not the extramarital relationship is the end point in itself.
So, take comfort in knowing that your feelings are not uncommon. You need to assess (directly or indirectly) your lover's thoughts about all this (and you) as well. Not all people say "I love you" or are comfortable with such discussions, but there are also actions which are a wonderful indicator of feelings as well. And don't forget your own feelings - if you feel loved, then you are!
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