Before you leap into an extramarital relationship, consider taking time to first weigh the risks, benefits, and above all consequences. That is the key. If you come to a carefully considered decision based on thinking through all the consequences and how to approach them, then guilt is no longer a big part of things. It may crop up in small doses every now and again, but is generally (but not guaranteed) easier to think about and manage.
Guilt is very important in the early phases of a relationship - preferably before intimacy is consummated (be it physical or emotional intimacy - either can qualify as an affair, if you define an affair as a betrayal of intimacy). It makes you think, then think again, and when you are finished it makes you think once more.
Again, guilt should be recognized and dealt with early on in an extramarital relationship. It will only hurt the individuals and the relationship if it isn't dealt with. Dealing with it might involve thinking rationally about all the risks, benefits, and consequences of the potential relationship, and coming to a carefully considered (not impulsive) decision about whether and how to proceed. Once you've based your actions on careful consideration of reasons and consequences, guilt no longer has the same meaning. Dealing might involve deciding that certain aspects of a relationship would just be too difficult to reconcile with your own internal moral code, and finding a compromise kind of satisfying relationship with the one you care for impossible. Dealing might mean deciding this isn't for you, and walking away. Whatever. It's the thought process that is the key. Guilt needs to serve as the brakes for potential impulsive hurtful actions, but once it's served that purpose by making you think and decide carefully, then it no longer serves a purpose and should be let go.
You may at some time reach a point where your extramarital affair is perfectly integrated into your life, but don't be naive to think that it will always be so. No amount of care in the world will guarantee that your secret is never found out and that your spouse will never know of the hurt and that you won't be forced to give up your lover someday, or that your lover will not be forced to leave you. The emotional roller coaster may take you on at any time. Guilt will help you decide if you want to take on this kind of potentially very fulfilling but also very risky relationship. If you cannot find the balance weighing on the side of resolving the guilt, then you should NOT proceed. Extramarital relationships have as a goal making your life better, overall, in spite of some of the lumps and the bumps. If they do not, then they shouldn't be.
On occasion, a particular incident might bring back a twinge or two now and again, but the major guilt issues need to be resolved before the extramarital relationship can progress significantly. Guilt should make you careful - not consume you. If it continues to consume - you need "out" of that activity or relationship. You can say very little to your partner to resolve their guilt conflicts - your lover needs to come to terms on their own, just as you do. And maybe their occasional bouts of guilt aren't necessarily a bad thing, if they're forced to look realistically at the risks and the overall situation, and thus keep you both "on your toes." But you can't wave a wand and eliminate guilt for them. No one can do this for us. Neither should you hate yourself for a relationship that you did not coerce them to have. We all have choices, and need to accept the consequences of those choices for ourselves, but we don't need to accept the consequences for others.
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