I don't know about other men, but I would like to explain why I am pursuing an affair with another woman, though married.
Our society tells us that if a man is married and looking for romance
elsewhere, that alone is pretty much proof that he is not reliable. A
total rotter, right? Wrong!
The one thing I most certainly am, is reliable. My career successes
are a direct measure of that. I take things seriously and am
conscientious to a fault. The reason I am still married is because I do
not shirk responsibilities. My family's security being the most
important. However, there is one thing lacking in my life and that is
life itself. I want to be in love and full of life and looking for it
outside of my marriage is why I pursued an affair. If wanting to be
happy in life makes me despicable, so be it. This is what I need and
it's a high priority in my life. It is that important to me.
I was married 13 years ago. My wife is a good woman, a great mother,
but, the fire has gone out. When we married, I was wildly in passionate
love. After 13 years and 2 kids, my wife stayed the same even though I
was changing and trying and improving all the while. My wife did not
grow much as a person during our marriage, other than in size.
I think obligation keeps most marriages together. It sure has mine.
Ours is as comfortable as an old shoe. My wife is completely
predictable, in routine and conversation. When the kids leave home, I'll
be her only interest. That scares me. She is more of a sibling than a
partner. I still love her in many ways but the passion is gone.
For the two and a half years, I have been involved in a long term
affair. The woman I'm involved with has proved beyond a shadow of a
doubt that what I have at home is not love I once had, you know, the rev
up your engine and put it in overdrive, the wild, passionate fun kind
of love. It's more like the "Hi Sis, how was your day?" kind of love. I
find the thought of making love to my sister very unappealing.
For the first few months of my affair it was just sex. Sex made me
feel better. I know it's more than that now. For the longest time I used
being married as an excuse to avoid entanglements. But, as my extramarital affair
continues, I think the marriage has entangled me. The man is dying and
all that remains of him is a record of accomplishments. When I look in
the mirror, I wonder, Is this all there is? I heard once that married
men don't live longer, it just seems that way. I agree. Somewhere, I
lost track of a most important thing, ME. If it is middle age crazy to
feel like this, then sign me up because I've felt this way for a number
of years.
Is wanting to feel alive and emotionally charged expecting too much?
For years I said it was not worth the price of home and family and
avoided intimacies. I chance losing all to find that special person,
partner, and lover. Someone who loves the man, not the security he
provides. One smart, confident, alive, woman, with fire, a mind of her
own, depth,
character, dreams and who only wants to share life and love with me.
Having passionate conversations, doing things together, laughing, that
is what I want. To experience everything possible before I die. It can't
be too late.
Do I owe my wife and family my life? I don't know. Loyalty. guilt.
Obligation. Three very powerful persuaders! I know what I need to feel
fulfilled. To pursue the dream means I must go behind the backs of those
I've
loved, and those that love me. Most of my adult life I felt the risk and
price too high. It still scares the hell out of me to know I am risking
everything.
Married people that cheat are not all bad apples. Most are hard
working, honest, reliable, and too responsible to upset the status quo.
To survive our marriages we look elsewhere for excitement and passion
and live with constant internal conflict.
I am always fascinated by the joy I feel when I'm with my lover.
Learning how she thinks, discovering what's important to her is such a
rich feeling. When I am with my lover, I like the luxury of completely
focusing on that person as I communicate.
She's like a drug I cannot quit.
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