I don't know about other men, but I would like to explain why I am pursuing an affair with another woman, though married.
Our society tells us that if a man is married and looking for romance elsewhere, that alone is pretty much proof that he is not reliable. A total rotter, right? Wrong!
The one thing I most certainly am, is reliable. My career successes are a direct measure of that. I take things seriously and am conscientious to a fault. The reason I am still married is because I do not shirk responsibilities. My family's security being the most important. However, there is one thing lacking in my life and that is life itself. I want to be in love and full of life and looking for it outside of my marriage is why I pursued an affair. If wanting to be happy in life makes me despicable, so be it. This is what I need and it's a high priority in my life. It is that important to me.
I was married 13 years ago. My wife is a good woman, a great mother, but, the fire has gone out. When we married, I was wildly in passionate love. After 13 years and 2 kids, my wife stayed the same even though I was changing and trying and improving all the while. My wife did not grow much as a person during our marriage, other than in size.
I think obligation keeps most marriages together. It sure has mine. Ours is as comfortable as an old shoe. My wife is completely predictable, in routine and conversation. When the kids leave home, I'll be her only interest. That scares me. She is more of a sibling than a partner. I still love her in many ways but the passion is gone.
For the two and a half years, I have been involved in a long term affair. The woman I'm involved with has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I have at home is not love I once had, you know, the rev up your engine and put it in overdrive, the wild, passionate fun kind of love. It's more like the "Hi Sis, how was your day?" kind of love. I find the thought of making love to my sister very unappealing.
For the first few months of my affair it was just sex. Sex made me feel better. I know it's more than that now. For the longest time I used being married as an excuse to avoid entanglements. But, as my extramarital affair continues, I think the marriage has entangled me. The man is dying and all that remains of him is a record of accomplishments. When I look in the mirror, I wonder, Is this all there is? I heard once that married men don't live longer, it just seems that way. I agree. Somewhere, I lost track of a most important thing, ME. If it is middle age crazy to feel like this, then sign me up because I've felt this way for a number of years.
Is wanting to feel alive and emotionally charged expecting too much? For years I said it was not worth the price of home and family and avoided intimacies. I chance losing all to find that special person, partner, and lover. Someone who loves the man, not the security he provides. One smart, confident, alive, woman, with fire, a mind of her own, depth, character, dreams and who only wants to share life and love with me. Having passionate conversations, doing things together, laughing, that is what I want. To experience everything possible before I die. It can't be too late.
Do I owe my wife and family my life? I don't know. Loyalty. guilt. Obligation. Three very powerful persuaders! I know what I need to feel fulfilled. To pursue the dream means I must go behind the backs of those I've loved, and those that love me. Most of my adult life I felt the risk and price too high. It still scares the hell out of me to know I am risking everything.
Married people that cheat are not all bad apples. Most are hard working, honest, reliable, and too responsible to upset the status quo. To survive our marriages we look elsewhere for excitement and passion and live with constant internal conflict.
I am always fascinated by the joy I feel when I'm with my lover. Learning how she thinks, discovering what's important to her is such a rich feeling. When I am with my lover, I like the luxury of completely focusing on that person as I communicate. She's like a drug I cannot quit.
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