BY BEN REININGA
Throughout my long tenure writing Ridiculous Tips For A Miserable Sex Life, I've taken aim at various targets, but one publication stands out as a bastion of weird and wacky sex advice — always chipper, always in a numbered list, and always ill-advised. Cosmo remains the ne plus ultra of usually implausible, occasionally unfathomable, and invariably hilarious sexy tips for sexy sex, and this month, I've chosen to anthologize them for you. Read on, friends.
On Handjobs
At its core, Cosmo is just a girl, standing in front of a boy, trying to figure what to do with his penis. Or, as they put it, trying to figure out how to “throw his disco stick a party he'll never forget."
1. "To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits."
"Master" in both senses: the complicated way, like a Master's degree, and the mean way. Like Mistress Lavender.
2. "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle."
Second opinion: make the mistake of being too gentle. At least until you ask.
3. "Think of his shaft... like the outer curve of your breast. ...Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves."
First, do women like their breasts to be “volleyed” like tennis balls? Also: stop hitting me.
4."Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body)."
If — unbelievably — this doesn’t work, you're doing it wrong, you shameful, unable-to-please-a-man woman. The only logical step from here is to initiate something insanely complicated.
5. "Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times."
If, at any point during this oddly elaborate ritual, he looks confused, toss him a heated stare and say, "I crave you" — you know, to clear things up.
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