Polyamory: The Theory of Jealousy Management

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html

So, how do you handle this jealousy thing?

Nobody is immune to jealousy, of course. It's like being immune to fear or hunger or anger. Some people may be naturally more jealous than others, but anybody can feel jealous. Jealousy, like fear or hunger, is just a feeling.

But jealousy isn't really a response to seeing your partner with someone else, at least not directly. it says more about your own security or insecurity than it does about the actions of your partner.

Jealousy is most common when somebody feels insecure, mistreated, threatened, or vulnerable in a relationship. If you feel secure in a relationship, you don't get jealous.

Jealousy is not the problem; jealousy is the SYMPTOM of the problem. Address the insecurity or the things underlying the feelings of vulnerability, and you address the jealousy. So the trick to making a poly relationship work is to make everyone involved feel secure, valued, and loved.

A poly relationship depends much more than a traditional relationship on mutual security and trust. Even the smallest amount of insecurity in a poly relationship can quickly be magnified to the point where it can be lethal to the relationship.

The problems are magnified even more if you try not to let your fears and your feelings show. One key to making the relationship work is to talk about your fears, openly and immediately, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEY'RE IRRATIONAL. Often, naming your fears, bringing them into the light, deprives them of their power.

I think it's natural to assume that people who aren't monogamous are immune to jealousy, but I don't think it's true. Rather, I think that jealousy is a symptom that something else is wrong. Often, jealousy is a symptom that someone is feeling insecure, or threatened. Address the underlying problem, and the jealousy goes away.

Jealousy, like other emotions, doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from a feeling that someone's needs aren't being met, or someone feels threatened. People who don't feel threatened, don't feel jealous.

The key to defeating jealousy, in my experience, is to address the underlying causes of jealousy--if possible, before they come up. Make your partner feel special, needed, and loved, and your partner will not feel threatened or afraid.

Personally, I'm a big fan of empiricism. One of my favorite quotes is by Francis Bacon, who said "Your true self can be known only by systematic experimentation, and controlled only by being known." I believe that emotions, though they are not rational, do usually have a reason behind them--they are the ancient part of your brain, the part that does not have language, trying to communicate with you.

So. the question is, why are you jealous? Jealousy is an unusual emotion, in that it's a feeling that's often built out of other feelings, such as fear or anger or insecurity. What is it that triggers the jealousy, and more important, why? When you think about the things that cause you to feel jealous, what's the first emotional reaction that flashes through your head--fear? Anger? Sadness? Rejection? Loss? What underlies those feelings--fear of loss her? Fear of being insufficient? Anger at someone else moving in on your territory? All of these? None of these?

Since jealousy usually has its roots in some other emotion, such as fear of loss or feelings of rejection or insecurity or whatever, then often the only way to cope with the jealousy is to deal with the underlying emotions. If you find that your jealousy is rooted in fear, for example, the next step is to explore why you are afraid, and what you are afraid of, and if there's anything you can do to allay that fear. Confronting the jealousy head-on without addressing the things that lie beneath it is often an exercise in frustration.

Once you've identified the feelings beneath the jealousy, the next step is to ask yourself: what are these feelings serving? Are they serving a legitimate interest? Are they trying to warn you of a real problem, or are they serving only themselves? This can be very tricky, especially with an emotional response like fear--fear can serve as a legitimate warning of a valid danger, but fear also tends to try to protect itself, and if you're afraid of something with no reason, your fear will try to persuade you that it's valid and you have cause to be afraid.

One thing that's often overlooked, particularly in the poly community, is that there are times when jealousy is a valid and rational response to a situation. if there is a problem in your relationship, or if your partner is using a new relationship as a way to avoid dealing with issues in your relationship, then jealousy is a reasonable response. Separating the jealousy that's a warning of a real problem from the jealousy that isn't is not always an easy task, though.

Where you go from there depends on what you discover about the root of the jealousy. Fear, insecurity, and so forth are all feelings that can be overcome, though usually not without confronting them directly, and deliberately exposing yourself to the very things that make you afraid or insecure.

Study: Non-monogamous couples are as happy as other couples

Study: Non-monogamous couples are as happy as other couples

Primary

In the polyamory lovestyle, some people have chosen to give their multiple romantic interests titles, such as primary, secondary & tertiary.  The primary is usually the partner that you have the deeper history or perhaps the one you live with, such as your wife.  The others are "girlfriends".

I do not follow this philosophy.  To be a primary partner is the person you are most focused on at any particular moment.  They are the most important.  They are whom all your time & energy is connected.  Therefore, when you visit me, you become my primary partner.  When you stand before me, you are the most important thing in my world.

Polyamory: Dating A Couple

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolydatingcouple.html

Often in poly relationships, one person may be dating or considering dating another person who is already part of an existing couple. Sometimes, one person may be considering dating both members of an existing couple. It's quite common for polyamorous people to begin new relationships while already in a relationship; this is, after all, the nature of polyamory.

If you're considering dating someone who's already in an established relationship, it might be tempting to believe that person has less at stake than you do--less risk of hurt, less emotional vulnerability--because, after all, that person already has someone else to fall back on if your relationship doesn't work out, right?

In practice, it doesn't work that way. Being involved romantically with someone does not make the pain of losing a relationship any less. This page is intended to provide some tips for would-be "third wheels" to avoid causing unnecessary pain.

- If any of the people concerned are bisexual, it's important for that person to be completely up-front about it, and about the expectations (if there are any) of sexual or emotional intimacy.

Sometimes, when a person who self-identifies as "bisexual" begins dating someone in an existing relationship, there may be an expectation that he or she should be sexually or romantically involved with everyone in that existing relationship. This kind of expectation, especially if it's unspoken, can create all sorts of tension. If the couple expects the romantic relationship to include both of them, but the person entering the relationship does not, it's particularly important that everyone understands everyone else's intentions clearly. If you're interested in one member of the existing couple, but not both of them, say so. Likewise, if you are interested in both members of an existing couple, say so. By defining the parameters up front about who you expect to be intimate with, you can avoid a lot of grief down the road.

- Be very skeptical of couples who say things like "We only want someone who will date both of us" or "We expect someone to have the same feelings for both of us." It's generally neither reasonable nor possible to expect relationships with two different people to develop at the same rate and in the same way; there are many people who try to make this happen, but it very rarely works. This combines two of the most common poly mistakes--trying to force relationships to fit a predefined shape, and expecting different relationships to develop the same way--into one.

Worse, some couples try to use this as a way to avoid dealing with jealousy or insecurity, naively believing that if both members of the couple are dating the same person, then nobody will feel "left out," and therefore nobody will feel jealous. In reality, it doesn't work that way; jealousy, like all emotional responses, is rarely rational, and does not often give way to rational thoughts like "Well, I'm having sex with her too, so I shouldn't feel jealous if he has sex with her!"

- Don't assume that it's necessary to develop a relationship with both people in a couple in exactly the same way; relationships grow on their own, and no two relationships are ever the same anyway. Doing this may impose unrealistic expectations on you; even if you were to date identical twins, it would be reasonable to expect each relationship to develop differently! Remember, you may be dating a couple, but each person in that couple is still an individual.

- Don't take one half of the couple's word that the other half "is fine with it" on anything you propose to do for the first time. This is particularly a problem with "don't ask, don't tell" relationships, where it may be difficult or impossible for you to verify whether or not your prospective lover's partner is even okay with the idea of non-monogamy at all!

Similarly, don't take one person's word for the way the other person is feeling or thinking. Even the slightest trace of misunderstanding, ambiguity, or wishful thinking can quickly escalate into a full-fledged meltdown. If you have any questions, go to the person involved directly.

Maintaining a successful relationship with one half of a couple often relies on good communication with both members of that couple. 

- Don't start a relationship with one member of a couple, unless you are prepared to be involved to some extent with both of them. This might sound elementary. Read it again, anyway. Regardless of whether or not you are dating both members of the couple, a relationship exists between you and both members of that couple, in the sense that each of them can have an impact on the shape your relationship takes.

I'm not saying you must be romantically involved with both members of an existing couple. What I am saying is that your partner's other relationship can and probably will affect you relationship.

If one member of the couple wants to have nothing to do with you, wants no contact or communication with you, or seems reluctant to even acknowledge your existence, take this as a warning sign. The likelihood is rather high that this will lead to grief down the road. At the very least, it makes asking for the things you need significantly more difficult, and it forces your partner to separate her relationship with her other partner from her relationship with you, making time management, scheduling, and communication more challenging.

- Understand that whether you are dating both halves of a couple, or forming a V relationship, there is an existing bond which is very important to the people concerned. The strength of that bond directly impacts the amount of love and energy available to you - the stronger the bond, the more goodies for you.

You can not fix a broken relationship. If the couple is already having problems, adding a new relationship with you to the mix isn't going to fix those problems. The stronger their relationship, the better the foundation for your relationship; and the more problems exist in their relationship, the more problems will likely occur in yours.

- Don't become the go-between in the couple's relationship. This is asking for trouble--and if things go badly, which they almost certainly will, you're likely to end up being seen as the villain.

- Don't expect someone else to be a go-between for you. If you are involved with one member of an existing couple, don't expect the person you're involved with to act as a go-between for you and the other partner. If you have questions or concerns about your partner's other partner, talk to that person directly about them!

- Be clear what you need and expect from a relationship, and be clear that your lover or lovers are willing and able to meet your needs and expectations, or at least treat them with respect.

- Understand what their "rules" are. Just as importantly, seek to understand why those rules exist; that way, you avoid the dangers inherent in obeying the letter of the rules but violating their spirit.

- Understand that "rules" are based on feelings, and feelings can change, and this may mean the rules need to be renegotiated. This includes your rules and your feelings.

- You have the right to make yourself heard. If you feel that a rule is unreasonable, or if a rule is actively acting against your interests, or if some agreement on the part of the couple excludes you from getting what you need from the relationship, say so. There is no shame in asking for wat you need, and if you do not ask for what you need, you can not reasonably expect to have what you need.   Understand, though, that asking for something does not and should not automatically mean you get it.

- The couple's relationship is not more important than your relationships with them. It is longer-lived. It operates on a different set of rules. But it is NOT more important.

- Remember that while you may sometimes miss out on time with your lover(s), due to competing commitments, you will often get better quality loving, because you are not always available and therefore taken for granted, like the long term partner.

Polyamory: Communication

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolycommunication.html

Honesty is to communication what multiplication is to calculus. If you can't be honest, you can't communicate. Honesty is the minimum, not the maximum; there is more to communication than just honesty.
--Jenna Medaris

"Communication is rule #1 of a polyamorous relationship."

It's something you'll hear in the poly community so often, it's become a mantra. And rightly so; communication is arguably the single best indicator of the health of any romantic relationship, monogamous or polyamorous. A relationship which lacks good communication is built on a foundation that's fundamentally flawed, and a relationship whose members lack good communication skills is a relationship that has problems from the very beginning.

Few people really talks about how to build good communication, though, and that's unfortunate, because good communication is trickier than it sounds. (I've already written an essay about the ways communication can go wrong in my journal; this is more of a practical guide.)

There's more to communication than opening your mouth and saying what's on your mind. Effective communication starts with understanding what's on your mind, particularly if you're trying to solve a problem. It's not just enough to say "I feel uncomfortable about this" or "I'm feeling upset about that" or "I don't want you to do this;" real communication requires understanding what's at the root of those feelings and desires.

Now, hold on, smart guy! If I'm feeling something, I should be able to say so, without all this analysis crap!

          Of course. But once you've said what's on your mind, what comes next?

There are people who believe it ends there. "I've said what I have to say; now it's up to my partner to behave accordingly." This isn't communication; in fact, this closes the door on communication, because it gives your partner no way to continue, short of doing whatever it is you want him to do.

 Communication is about increasing understanding. If you simply say "This is how I feel" and leave it at that, the conversation is done, and you're not really increasing understanding, because your partner still has no idea why. In fact--

Hang on. I've said what I'm feeling and what I want my partner to do; who cares why?

You should, for one. Let's start with the most obvious first: if your partner does not understand why you feel the way you do, your partner may just end up violating the spirit of the rules without breaking the letter, because he does not understand what the rules are supposed to do.

But let's step back a little from that. It goes beyond simply experiencing an emotion you don't like and then letting your partner know about it so that he can stop doing whatever it is that's leading to your emotion. If you do not understand why you feel what you feel, you may not be able to get a handle on what might change those feelings. It might seem obvious at first glance; "I get jealous when my partner takes someone else to my favorite restaurant, so if my partner stops taking people there, I won't be jealous any more." But feelings are really sneaky, complicated things, and the actions that trigger a feeling may not actually be as directly tied to the feeling as you think. What might just happen is you might just find that you still feel jealous even if your partner promises never to take anyone to that restaurant again, and all that's happened is those feelings are now triggered by something else.

If you don't understand your feelings, then it's pretty damn tough to say with certainty what you or anyone else can do to address them. In fact, as I was about to say, often the roots of feelings and emotional reactions aren't obvious at all, and if you don't understand the problem, it's really difficult to come up with a solution with any real chance of success.

You're telling me that I don't even know what I'm feeling?

No, I'm saying that if you don't make an active effort to understand your feelings, you won't know why you're feeling what you're feeling. And if you don't know why you're feeling what you're feeling, it gets pretty hard to have a dialogue with your partner about it, and it gets even harder to come up with a plan of action based on it.

Not all feelings are true. You may feel something so strongly that you know for a fact that what you're feeling is absolutely right and perfectly justified, know it more surely than you know your own name--and still be wrong. Only by looking at your feelings can you understand the heart of where they come from, and only by understanding them can you really be sure they are appropriate and justified.

Remember what we're talking about here--dialog. You talk to your partner, your partner talks to you, you each come away with a deeper understanding of one another, and that deeper understanding is what helps you solve problems, right?

And solving problems is a lot easier if your partner understands what's going on in your head, which is a lot easier if you understand what's going on in your head. In fact, it very well might be that if you and your partner both have a clear idea about why you're feeling what you're feeling, you might find a better solution than the most obvious one! Saying "I'm feeling jealous so I want you to stop doing X" is a decree, not an honest attempt at communication; it closes the door to further discussion. Saying "I'm feeling jealous, and I think this is why, and this is what I've observed to trigger those feelings" opens the door not only to further discussion, but to finding some kind of solution that might not have occurred to you.

Communication is already difficult enough even if you understand perfectly whatever it is you're trying to talk about; if you don't understand what you're talking about, forget it.

What do you mean, communication is difficult enough? If I'm talking to my partner, and--

If you're talking to your partner honestly.

Okay, fine. If I'm talking to my partner honestly, and--

Funny you should mention honesty. That's another one of those little things that's trickier than it sounds. Honesty, like understanding, begins at home, with yourself. In order to be honest with another person, you must first be honest with yourself, and part of that means recognizing and acknowledging the reality of who you are and the reality of your situation.

This is true across the board, but it's most especially true in very difficult situations such as mono/poly relationships. For example, if one person has it somewhere in the back of her mind that she's monogamous, she wants a monogamous relationship, and if she can just make things complicated enough on her partner, her partner will give up this poly stuff, but she hasn't really quite admitted to herself that that's what she's doing, then any effort at communication is already undermined. She may believe she's talking openly and honestly with her partner, but because she hasn't really admitted to herself what's going on, she's not really being honest with him.

And before you say I'm picking on the monogamous person unfairly, if a polyamorous person is seeking multiple relationships because he has a deeply-seated but quite subtle fear of commitment or vulnerability, and so he's driven to avoid uncomfortable intimacy by starting new relationships over and over, then he's not going to be able to communicate honestly with any of his partners about what he wants or what his relationship goals are, because he hasn't admitted that to himself yet.

And while we're at it, a quick word on honesty and lies:

A lie is any conscious, deliberate attempt to deceive or mislead. Many people will find all kinds of ways to justify lying, especially indirect lying; "Oh, I haven't told him about thus-and-such because he hasn't asked," or "Oh, I haven't told her anything that is not factually untrue, so I haven't lied."

A good liar tells lies that are mostly true; a masterful liar can lie without ever uttering a single falsehood.

Consider these examples. If I tell someone "I will be at your house at two o'clock," and at one forty-five I'm struck by a bus, I have not lied; I did not show up at two o'clock, but it was not my intent to mislead that person. If, on the other hand, I am having an affair and cheating on my partner while at my office, and my partner asks me "Did you cheat on me today?" and I respond "I was at my office all day," I have lied; I have given an answer calculated to mislead my partner into drawing the wrong conclusion.

Okay, then... I've looked inside myself, I understand what I'm feeling and I understand the reality of my situation, and I'm not going to lie, directly or indirectly. Now I'm home free, right?

Not only are you not home and dry, you're not even home and vigorously toweling off yet. It gets more complicated.

Huh? I understand myself; I understand what I need to say, I just have to say it!

And your partner needs to understand it, which is more than just a matter of speaking the same language. Remember, your partner has no way to crawl behind your eyes and see the world the way you do; your emotional reality is just an abstraction to your partner, and everything he knows about it comes only from what you tell him.

Indeed, two people can have radically different emotional realities, and bridging that gap is not easy.

So. Let's assume you're honest, you know yourself, and you're sincere about this whole communication thing. There's still plenty of things to go wrong; here's a few things you should keep in mind:

- Don't assume that your partner would feel the same way you do if he were in your shoes. "Well, just think about how I feel!" isn't terribly helpful; your partner may be thinking about how you feel, but if he doesn't feel the same way himself and wouldn't react the same way in your position, what he's thinking is likely to be off base. Tell him how you feel--and tell him why.

- Don't take somebody else's word for what your partner is doing or thinking, and don't rely on someone else to tell your partner what you're doing or thinking. Talking through a proxy never works. Seriously. Everyone has a slightly different worldview and a slightly different interpretation of events; what you're hearing when you're talking through a proxy is your partner's ideas filtered and interpreted through someone with a different take on reality, and there's really no way around that.

- Don't slam the door. Door-slamming behavior can be literal or figurative; it's anything which closes off dialog, as in walking out of the room and slamming the door, or simply cutting off your partner. It doesn't come just from issuing decrees; it comes any time you don't want to hear what your partner has to say or don't give your partner the opportunity to respond to what you have to say. And along the same lines:

- Don't make a habit of issuing ultimatums. An ultimatum leaves no room for negotiation; like a decree, it cuts off further dialog. Ultimatums, if they are necessary at all, are an absolute last resort, best reserved for a situation that, if it does not change, will definitely end the relationship. An ultimatum is appropriate only in the most extreme and dire of circumstances: "get help with your drinking problem or I will not be able to stay."

- Don't get caught up in your own assumptions or your own interpretations. This one is particularly devious, because we all tend to assume that what we think and what we see is the "right" way to think and the "right" way to see a situation. But your interpretation of something may differ dramatically from your partner's; it's helpful to get into the habit of mentally asking yourself "What if I'm wrong?" whenever you think you've got something all figured out.

So even if you understand yourself, you understand what you have to say, and you understand why you feel the way you feel, you still have to be careful.

Wow. Okay, so now I've got it licked...

Not quite. There's still the "Blue fish tuba" effect.

The who what? That makes no sense!

Precisely.

Each of those words individually has a simple meaning, but put together in that order, they make no sense. Often, that's what it seems like to someone who does not share your conceptual worldview.

Communication on the one hand is quite robust, but on the other hand is very fragile; it's robust in the sense that language is quite resilient, but it's fragile in the sense that when you are talking to someone whose philosophical worldview is vastly different from yours, then when you try to explain a difficult concept, your words end up sounding like "blue fish tuba." It's the concept that's difficult; if the concept itself is foreign to your listener, then the words stop making sense.

For example, take a person whose idea of relationships is "commitment means exclusivity." If you tell such a person "It is possible to be committed to more than one person at a time," your words sound like "blue fish tuba," because the concept of commitment inherently implies exclusivity to that person--saying "commitment to two people" is about like saying "the tuba was so huge it was tiny."

Explaining a foreign concept to someone is particularly frustrating; often, you need to invest a great deal of work in isolating and identifying the places where your conceptual frameworks don't overlap, and then carefully building a bridge between those different conceptual frameworks.

In the example of a person to whom "commitment" means "exclusivity," this means trying to find a way to express the concept that it is possible to be committed to more than one thing at the same time; until you can communicate this concept, everything you say about commitment will sound like "blue fish tuba."

Wow. This does get tricky. But once I'm over that hurdle, I'm home free...right? Right?

Um...no. It still gets complicated...because there's the second half of communication, which I haven't even mentioned yet, and that is listening.

Listening is active, not passive. If you're planning out the next thing you're going to say, you're not listening. If you're looking out the window, you're not listening. If you're so wrapped up in trying to make your point that you've forgotten your partner is also trying to make a point, you're not listening.

And listening is confounded by the fact that people rarely remember the exact words told to them; they remember only the concepts. Which means if you misunderstand the concept, you're totally screwed.

One of the most common problems with communication from the listener's point of view is the problem of interpretation; if you think you've understood your partner, you may find that you assume your interpretation is the only correct one, and if you're wrong, you may find yourself resistant to what your partner was actually trying to say.

But I am listening to my partner--it's just that my partner isn't listening to me!

And from your partner's perspective, it's the exact same situation, only with the pronouns reversed.

It's easy to feel like you're not being heard when you're not hearing your partner; you end up in a competition to speak your piece and forget about the fact that communication is about mutual understanding. If you don't understand your partner, you can't communicate with your partner; and here's where things can get all kinds of cattywumpus if you aren't paying attention: you need to understand where your partner is coming from even if you personally happen to believe your partner is irrational, mistaken, or flat-out wrong.

You can't ignore what your partner is saying just because you believe your partner is being irrational or bullheaded; for starters, the emotional reality for your partner is different than it is for you, and furthermore, it just might be possible that your partner is trying to express something that doesn't fit within your conceptual framework, and you are the one suffering from the "blue fish tuba" effect.

If you want to understand your partner, there are a few things you need to keep in mind:

- Don't assume that you already know what your partner is going to say. Listen to what your partner is saying instead.

- Don't assume that you can disregard what your partner is saying, thinking, or feeling simply because you don't happen to believe that those thoughts or feelings are justified, or because they aren't what you would think or feel in your partner's shoes.

- Don't jump the gun; don't assume that you know where your partner is going with an idea, and cut him off before he gets there. He just might surprise you.

- It's inevitable that you will project your own feelings and your own attitudes on what someone else says to you; we do tend to interpret the world in light of our own experiences and our own attitudes. Be aware of that. Try, as far as is possible, to listen to what your partner says from outside your own preconceptions. This means, among other things, not making assumptions about the reason your partner is saying something and not reading more into your partner's words than is warranted; if your partner says "Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?" don't read into that question a statement ("I don't like cooking for you any more").

- One of the greatest enemies to communication is an exaggerated sense of insult or injury. If you feel wronged by your partner, it's quite likely you're not going to be particularly inclined to hear what he has to say, and it's also likely you will interpret everything he does say in the worst possible light. Do not assume that every perceived slight is intentional; do not assume that someone has acted out of spite or malice if there is another possible explanation; do not assume that your own grievance is always justified; do not assume that your feelings are the only ones that are relevant.

I don't have an exaggerated sense of insult--my partner hurt me!

When you feel your partner has hurt you, it can feel just, right, and reasonable to want to lash out at your partner. After all, your partner deserves it, right? He hurt you, right?
Whenever you feel this way, though, it becomes very, very important to keep two things in mind:

1. Just because I feel bad doesn't mean somebody else did something wrong.

2. Just because I feel good doesn't mean I'm doing the right thing.

When you feel attacked, slighted, or hurt, you can very easily slip into believing that you are justified in attacking your partner. That makes your partner feel attacked, and she will then feel justified in attacking you back. You may feel hurt, but that does not make it OK to attack your partner...and if you do, you will probably shut down all hope at productive communication, and with it all hope of solving the problem.

Just because I feel bad doesn't mean somebody else did something wrong. Just because I feel good doesn't mean I'm doing the right thing. Remember those two things, before you escalate an argument.

Okay, I understand active listening, and I can stay reasonable even if I think my partner is being unreasonable...but it doesn't help if my partner won't talk to me.

True.

There are many reasons why your partner might not want to talk to you. A partner who doesn't want to talk to you creates serious problems; the best measure of the health of a romantic relationship, as I've said before, is the quality of the communication in it.
Some of the reasons a partner might not want to talk to you are reasons you can't control. But many of them are. The single best thing you can do to help your partner open up to you is to make it clear that it is safe for him to open up to you.

Communication is a learned skill. Many people are afraid of talking openly and honestly with their partners because they are embarrassed by the things they feel or the things they want, or they are afraid of the way their partners will respond, or they are afraid to make themselves vulnerable to their partners, or they are afraid of being laughed at or rejected by their partners.

You can do a lot to reassure your partner that this will not happen--that you will not mock, reject, laugh at, or think poorly of your partner no matter what he says. Even if the things he says are things you don't want to hear.

But when you tell your partner that it is safe to talk openly and honestly with you, make sure you mean it. The worst thing you can possibly do is tell your partner "It's okay, you can tell me anything" and then punish your partner or react badly to your partner when he does talk to you!

Geez. Um--anything else?

Glad you asked!
Once you've got all that stuff down, you're almost there. There are a few more points to consider, though, which I'll put in another of those handy lists:

- When your relationship involves more than two people, it is essential that all the people involved be a part of your communication, especially in any situation which impacts everyone involved. Even if you divide your relationships into "primary" and "secondary" relationships, a secondary partner still has a right to be included.

- Don't call the other person names. Seriously. This should be obvious, but it bears repeating anyway. "You're a selfish prick" is not a good communication tactic; "I feel neglected because you're paying more attention to your job than to me" is better; "I'm feeling neglected, but here are some things which might help to make me valued" is better still.

- Communication works best when it's an ongoing process. It's not something you do when things get out of hand; it's something you do all the time. Don't wait for small problems to become big problems before you talk about them! Keep checking in with your partner all the time; make it a habit.

- Be proactive. If something arises which you need to talk about, talk about it. Often, it might seem tempting to just let it slide, or to wait for "just the right time" to bring it up...don't. Communication works when it is proactive; even though it can sometimes seem uncomfortable or even frightening to bring up something that bothers you or that is affecting you in your relationship, you need to do it anyway. Anyone can have good communication skills when communication is easy; it's how you communicate when it's difficult that counts.

- Interrupting your partner is rude. It also stops dialog. Remember that the things you feel are important, but they are not matters of fact. Feeling neglected does not necessarily mean you are being neglected! Distinguish between matters of emotional response and matters of fact; your emotional responses are important, and your goal when you feel something is wrong should be to find a way to address that feeling, but don't assume that everything you feel is necessarily true. It's possible to feel threatened when you're not actually being threatened; it's possible to feel neglected when you're not actually being neglected--you get the picture. That goes back to the first point; understand your feelings.

- If you keep having discussions about the same thing over and over again, then you're clearly not addressing the problem. When you solve a problem, let it go; don't keep dragging it up.
- Communication is a learned skill. Like all learned skills, it becomes easier and more natural with practice. When you're dealing with the problem of communicating a concept or philosophical idea that's foreign to your partner, patience is the name of the game; you may have to explain the same concept sixteen different ways to make it understood.

- Ask for feedback. Invite a response to what you say.
- An argument occurs because a problem exists in a relationship. Your partner is not your adversary; you both have the same goal, which is to solve the problem. Fixing blame isn't helpful to that goal. However, having said that:

- Take responsibility for your decisions (and the consequences, even the unintended consequences) of those decisions. Acknowledge what you've done; if you've done something wrong, say so!

- If you're thinking of ways to argue with something your partner said, you're not listening. For Pete's sake, pay attention.

- Don't exaggerate, embellish, or make blanket statements that are over the top: "You never consider my feelings at all!" "Never? Not even once?" "Well, you sometimes don't..." A better approach: "I feel like my feelings aren't getting the consideration they're warranted; here's something you can do to make me believe you're respecting my feelings."